All Change Please

Around this time last year, I was speed walking to the bus at the station. As I reached the door, there coming towards me was a man with an incredible smile – tall, dark-skinned loveliness, gesturing for me to get on the bus ahead of him. I smiled, said ‘thank you’ and got on the bus. I stood downstairs; he went upstairs. I didn’t see him again.

That was until a couple of months later.

We happened to be on the same bus in the morning. He came down the stairs – he smiled but the bus jerked to a halt right at that moment. I was more interested in not falling flat on my face than smiling back. He got off the bus ahead of me. He walked to another bus stop, I headed for the underground. He looked back for me – our eyes met – he smiled, I smiled and nearly fell down the stairs! It was a moment though. A moment at a time when I was starting to like me – a moment at a time when my soon-to-be Ex (maybe) wasn’t making any effort to see our children or trying to make amends. It was a moment where someone noticed me which, believe me – does not happen very often. I messaged a friend to tell her and I think she was more excited than me! It was nice to have something else to think about.

Fast-forward a week later and I was on the bus again on the way to work. I stepped off at the station, heading towards the stairs as usual. I heard feet behind me and turned – dark-skinned loveliness came into my peripheral vision. I smiled and said hello. He was charming, sweet and nervous. We were like a couple of teenagers finally talking to their crush. He told me he’d been meaning to speak to me for a while (really?) – he thought I was beautiful and would I like to go for a drink? Cue me swooning inside – think what you will but like I said, it’s not everyday someone tells me I’m beautiful so I swooned away. Ha!

I was still wearing my rings – I am still married, after all.

I held up my hand to show him. The handsome stranger was crushed.

“I guess that means nothing’s happening then?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“We can talk” I offered “But it won’t be more than that.”

He nodded. “In that case, I’d really like to have your number.”

I said I would take his – he said he didn’t believe I’d call but he hoped I would. We said our goodbye’s and I think I smiled the entire day.

Of course, nothing was going to happen with him (even if my friend was trying to encourage me to have a drink – “You’re separated!” She said. “You’re a bad influence” I replied!). I just liked the idea of it. I enjoyed being pursued. But more than anything, it put things into context for me. This was at a time when John was doing nothing. He had left on my say so but he had not fought for us. He had not shown me in any way that he wanted to still be a part of our family and so I knew I needed to change. And change I did. To the point where my change was noticed by someone new.

It felt good – really good.

The seemingly impossible had happened. That was one of my fears if I left John – that no one else would want me. And then I got to a point where I didn’t care if no one else wanted me – I’d rather be alone than be treated like I was nothing.

But it wasn’t true.

And if my handsome admirer turns out to be the only one that wants me – well, that one is enough – for now.