Money, Money, Money

For many years, I would (inwardly) describe John as ‘Del Boy’. For those of you not in the UK, he was a fictional character on a popular Eighties sitcom and, like Del Boy, John would always have a bright idea that was going to have the money ‘rolling in’. Usually, that meant I’d have to provide the finance for said ideas.

It wasn’t an issue – what was mine was his and vice versa, of course. I supported his ideas – initially. He was enthusiastic, he believed in the ideas and I wanted to support him – I wanted to make his dreams a reality. So, when he called telling me he was in the shop and found the £4000 printer that he needed so desperately I was conflicted. He had put me on the spot.

“We discussed this!” He said angrily. True. We had discussed it, but I had agreed to nothing. And now he was stood in the shop waiting to pass me over to the shop assistant so I could give him my credit card details. He assured me that every payment for a job, especially those involving the printer – would go towards the credit card until it was paid off. I believed him. I agreed. I willingly gave my details over and paid for his new toy.

He did not keep to his word. I don’t think there were any big payments made on the card – it was basically the minimum payment paid and he was happy with that. The card wasn’t in his name, after all. He asked to use the card again for something else – he wore me down with asking until I relented. I had to cut up the card in the end as I couldn’t tell him ‘no’ without having to endure the silent treatment for a week or be told that this was why he didn’t ask me for money – as apparently, I didn’t support him or appreciate how hard he worked.

John had an Individual Voluntary Arrangement (IVA) in the early years of our marriage due to debt he’d run up on several cards so he was unable to get credit. Although this would be a red flag to some, I married him knowing this because I expected he would learn from it. I expected that no matter how hard it was for the seven years (I think, maybe eight) that the IVA lasted, that he would use it to change his attitude to money and would be more careful with it.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I had savings. He did not. As far as I was concerned, it was my escape route if ever I needed it. I learned quickly not to tell John how much was in savings – savings he claimed as shared even though he had never contributed a penny. I made the mistake once of telling him and within days he had ‘an idea’ to spend it all.

I was never that foolish again.

I would keep the money for emergencies only. He would be surprised when I’d say I could fund the car repair, or the new washing machine, or – eventually – the deposit for our new place. “How much have you got stashed away then?” He would ask with a grin. “Enough” was the reply. He would press me, but I wouldn’t answer.

Every month, John would splurge when he got paid and be short come the end of the month. And even though I was earning less than him in the early years, I still had money come the end of the month, so I was forever bailing him out. If he didn’t ask me, he would just help himself to the joint account – which would then be overdrawn – which would then incur a charge. This is still happening nearly 15 years later.

He refused to set a budget with me, telling me more than once that he is ‘not a child’ and would not be ‘told’ how to spend ‘his’ money. I did the best I could with what I had.

When the girls needed dinner money for school, he would get annoyed if I asked him to pay – as if they were not his responsibility. I eventually just paid it without asking him for his contribution – it was just easier than having an argument. But the resentment grew. Not only was I expected to care for the children without asking for help (how dare I?) – I was also expected to be financially responsible too.

That hasn’t really changed over the years. The girls have taken on more activities – after school clubs and weekend dance classes and John is still surprised when I ask for his half. The thing that has changed is me. Once I receive the invoice, I just let him know how much he needs to pay and by when. I never ‘just pay it’ anymore. I didn’t make them on my own, after all.