LOCK. IT. DOWN.

Here, in the UK we are in lockdown like much of the rest of the world.

A friend said to me that at the end of this, gyms will see a surge because we will all be fatter (I can testify to that as I’ve already put on several pounds…) and there will be a rise in couples getting divorced from being with each other 24/7.

John has been with us since before the lockdown. We are not back together. This was purely a financial decision. It has, however, reiterated to me that I do not want to continue being married to him.

He is going through a tough time at the moment. He recently got a new job – joined on Monday and then told everyone should work from home from Tuesday. That was last week.

I’ve been working from home since last Wednesday.

Last week was fine other than him telling me how great his work-station was and I should take a picture of it. I, however, have to work on the kitchen table where he will happily dump his newspaper, used glass – whatever basically even when I’m sat right there – working!

I had a word. It stopped for a bit and then started again. I took to moving things to his desk or his chair. He started to get the message.

The other major thing for him at the moment is his dad is very ill in hospital in the States. He went to see him around November last year as from what he was told, it didn’t seem that he had long left. He has held on but has steadily gotten worse.

This week, John – after hearing his dad has had a stroke and contracted coronavirus – asked me to have sex with him. I said no – it wasn’t going to take away his pain. He said I didn’t know what it would do for him and then we left it at that.

The following day – yesterday – he wandered around the flat with a little cloud over his head. I gave him a hug, I tried talking to him – I didn’t get much back. By the afternoon I said to him I know he’s going through a lot, but he didn’t have to shut us all out (the children are being schooled at home now which has been a challenge in itself). John told me he’s on his own, that he has no one to support or comfort him and no one to talk to. He said whenever he asks me for anything, my answer is either ‘no’ or ‘I’ll think about it’ – which apparently is not a dig, but his reality is he is on his own.

I feel suffocated living with him again.

For all the changes John has made – and he has made a lot of changes – the one thing that doesn’t change is how insular he is – how he sees his own struggles as bigger and more important than anyone else’s. I guess we all get like that at times but with the way the world is right now? People are dying on a ridiculous scale. Surely, now more than ever we need to be thankful for what we have?

I am fighting loneliness at the moment – John told me I have no reason to be lonely. I don’t need affection, apparently, nor do I need comforting.

He went to bed last night without saying goodnight and today he is not talking to me at all.

We are not a couple and yet I’m still dealing with this crap. The sulking because I wouldn’t sleep with him. The blame because I am not giving him what he wants. The manipulation in the silent treatment which I can’t escape because we are confined to our homes.

Every day this week he has taken himself off to the corner shop to buy provisions for himself. Not once has he asked if there is anything we need as a household. My eldest asked him to get some fresh veg for dinner today. He came and said to me gruffly “Do you not realise we’re not supposed to be going out??”

I calmly responded: “If you had asked me if there was anything we needed when you went out I would have told you but you bought things for yourself with no consideration for the rest of us.”

He stormed off in a huff.

Yes, divorce will definitely be up by one at least when this is all over.