Hey…

Hi there,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Sorry about that.

I’ve been juggling home schooling; lack of motivation (kids and mine!); teenage angst; occasional loneliness and, of course, the ‘nothingness’ that is my marriage (eye-roll…).

I’m currently unemployed due to the pandemic but it’s given me the push I needed to completely re-think my career (I will write that novel!). So I’m a student again but not at all how I’d pictured it – sharing a laptop with my four year old so he can do his schoolwork. He’s usually done by lunchtime which means some time for me to check in on modules and comments on my work (eeek!).

It’s going ok so far but it’s another ball I’ve added to my juggling act. There are constant interruptions – ‘Mummy, why do we eat breakfast?’ (the 4yr old) Or ‘Mummy, can I go on Roblox (even though I’ve asked you 10 times already and the answer was ‘no’)? That’s the 10yr old. The teenager is generally singing along LOUDLY to some tune I’ve never heard of with her earphones in – so I probably wouldn’t recognise the song if I did hear it.

This whole lockdown thing is weird – I seem to have drifted further away from certain friends. I don’t know if that’s something to mourn or not? But maybe it’s not necessarily a bad thing… I’ve been evaluating relationships a lot – not just my marriage. A list of contacts as long as my arm and I actually only regularly speak to two people outside of my family. It can make me feel isolated sometimes – wondering if anyone actually gives a damn. Other days I don’t even notice the lack of contact with the outside world, so caught up am I in the busyness of the day.

One thing that has gotten better is my faith – deeper, stronger, more lovely every day. Waking early has become hard again (got to get back on the green juices) but the quiet time in prayer before anyone gets up and I’m pulled in a hundred different directions is just… bliss.

It helps a lot especially as I have no idea what’s happening with John at the moment. I know he’s not any more happy than I am but we are stuck. More housemates that occasionally fall into bed with each other rather than spouses. We don’t speak about anything of significance – work; what we need from the supermarket; ‘can you turn the volume down on the tv?’ Nothing deep – no questions about where we are, how we fit together – if we can fit together again? Did we ever?

Communication is the thing that can bring us together and yet, fear of communication – the real, hard stuff – is driving us further apart.