I love Christmas. I love spending time with my family, seeing the children get excited over presents – I love the togetherness of it all. But in those early years I started to dread it.
Initially I would speak about what we were doing for Christmas at the start of December – just so it was clear. Usually this meant going to my Mum’s on Christmas day and his Mum’s on Boxing Day. John would nod in agreement and I would foolishly think that meant he actually agreed.
On Christmas Eve, John would bring up that he would drop me and Little Miss off at my Mum’s and would pick us up in the evening. I was confused – “What do you mean?”
“It’s one day of the year that I get to have all to myself.”
“But it’s Christmas Day.”
“I know but I just want to relax.”
I didn’t understand what was happening. Why didn’t he want to spend Christmas Day with us? Or did he have a problem with my family? He assured me neither was the case – this was just about him (a phrase I would hear often throughout our marriage).
It caused an argument, of course, especially as there was no talk of me not going to his Mum’s on Boxing Day – I absolutely was going.
On Christmas Day, he dropped us off – I was fuming and embarrassed to turn up without him.
He turned up later, around 3pm – in time to eat dinner with us. He was all smiles as if he were the world’s best husband because he’d changed his mind and was spending part of the day with us at least. Oh, lucky us.
This became a regular argument, year after year – he would say he wasn’t coming; I would say how out of order he was; he would eventually agree to spend part of the day with us.
One year, I got fed up with it and after he’d said again that he wasn’t coming to my Mum’s, I fought back with: “Fine, then I won’t come to your Mum’s on Boxing Day!”
The anger was immediate – he was in a rage.
“What?! Why are you not coming to my Mum’s?!”
“So, it’s ok for you not to come to my Mum’s but it’s not ok for me not to be at yours??”
“What reason do you have for not being there?!” He yelled.
“Same as you – time to myself. What’s the problem?”
“Fine. You won’t come to my Mum’s? Then I’m working on your birthday!”
“What?!”
“You heard me!”
He stormed off. My birthday is a week after Christmas, and (at that time) we would normally take each other’s birthday’s off to spend the day together. Not so that year.
He was allowed to do whatever he liked but I had to conform to whatever he wanted. So of course, he dropped us at my Mum’s on Christmas Day and came back in time to spend 3hrs or so with us. On Boxing Day, there was no talk of me not coming – we all just got ready and went and I wished I were somewhere else the entire time.
Come my birthday the following week, he smiled and kissed me as he left saying he would ‘make it up’ to me. I was past caring.
In 2018, after our annus horribilis, I decided that would be the last Christmas I spent at his Mum’s. In the end, I wasn’t that well and didn’t go at all. Now, I could have gone – I wasn’t bed-bound but I’d cooked Christmas dinner and we had hosted my family the day before so, I took a leaf out of his book and decided I deserved some time all to myself. It had also been only a few weeks since the incident that pushed me over the edge and I could not bear to be around him.
This Can't Be Love 
Thank you for sharing your story. This was clearly from the heart. I helped me to see that I am not alone in my journey and to not allow myself to feel shame or embarrassment because of the choices of others. Also the importance of having an outlet for my pain, hurt and disappointment.
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Yes, in the midst of it all I felt very much alone too but I’m glad that this could help in showing that you’re not alone – through sharing our stories we support and encourage each other 🤗
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