Heavy Heart

The next day I really felt the weight of it all. It was tough.

My son had not been well, so he clambered into bed with me around 1.30am. I sent him back to bed after a little while (anyone with a three year old knows they can’t keep still). He reappeared just after 2am saying “I’m going to stay with you, Mummy” which I of course, agreed to (how could I resist?). He wriggled around for what seemed like hours and then I finally heard his gentle snores. I waited a bit before lifting him back to his own bed.

It took an age to get back to sleep – suddenly all the random creaks of the house were bugging me even though they had never done so before.

When the alarm went off I got up and just felt – sad. The heaviness of the whole process had hit me hard. I had never expected to be going through a divorce. Even with everything that had happened – even though I’d imagined myself not with him many times – actually saying it out loud that our marriage was over was still heart wrenching.

I messaged John that morning about picking the kids up in the week. He replied ‘ok’, so I asked what was up. He said he was just thinking about how things were going to change and that it was a pity. I agreed it was sad but didn’t know what else to say.

We agreed to have one last evening together – we would go for dinner and he would stay the night at our place.

The dinner was fine until he mentioned his counselling sessions. He had been going in order to find some answers – if any – to his behaviour (and I don’t say that in a pretentious ‘this is all his fault’ kind of way). He said the following week would be the last session and his counsellor had told him how pleased he was with his progress. I didn’t comment. There really hadn’t been enough progress for my liking so I thought it best to say nothing. Instead, I asked what he’d learned about himself. John said he’d learned he needs to put that person – whoever they are – first and make them the centre of his universe. I found it stung a bit when he said ‘that person’ rather than me but what did I expect? It also stung a bit when he said he was going to view a place at the weekend. It all just made it very real – that the marriage was over.

We finished our meal and walked back to the car. He held my hand and we chatted easily.

When we got back home, we sat down to watch a movie. Part way through, John paused it and looked at me:

“I want to work things out.”

I sat in silence, really not knowing what to say. After a while, he reached for the remote to re-start the movie. I told him I didn’t know what to say – how was I supposed to trust him again? His reply?

“It will take time.”

Time? I don’t want to be looking at his phone every week, but he didn’t even offer it as an opening. I asked him to tell me something I didn’t know, and he said there are no big revelations. The fact of the matter is, there is a lot I don’t know. I have seen a handful of texts over the years – what about the ones I didn’t see? Who were all of those women anyway? There was so much he could share if he was serious – or at least, that was my opinion. But he never felt the need and so I didn’t feel he cared enough to save us.