Framily

John and I have a mutual friend. He started out as John’s friend but has been one of the few who ‘crossed over’ and made me his friend too when John and I married.

This friend – let’s call him Mark – has listened to and advised both John and me. He doesn’t judge or take sides – he was fighting for us to work things out, but he had no idea what had gone on. I have shared everything with him – he is effectively my brother and he is in my corner as my actual flesh and blood brothers are. He is also one of John’s closest friends and despite all his wrongs, he remains one of his closest friends and has tried to make things clearer for both of us.

I had a conversation with Mark back in September last year. He said John and I needed our heads knocking together as there was no progress one way or the other. I said I’d come to the realisation that I could give John a list of a million things to do to ‘fix’ things, but it still wouldn’t be enough as, deep down, I was done. I was confused after the great chat John and I had had a few weeks back – confused because it was nice after the past year of tension to just sit together, holding hands. But deep down, I knew too much had passed.

Mark said I needed to speak to John sooner rather than later so that we could both have peace and I agreed. I didn’t want to hurt him – even after everything I was not nor am not in a place of bitterness. I just want us both to be able to move on now – move forwards with respect and kindness.

I had no idea how he would react. I suspected he would shrug his shoulders and say ‘oh well’ as is his initial response to anything difficult. But I hoped we would be able to keep talking, to remain partners when it comes to the children as that’s what they need.

The interesting thing to come out of my conversation with Mark was he said when I spoke it was less about the trust issue and more about how he is at home – the lack of help and involvement. It made me pause. Of course, trust is a huge thing and I don’t believe I could ever fully trust him again. But being involved – seeing the whole family as a unit rather than seeing just himself and his needs is something John has struggled to change. Mark offered that it was John’s personality – expecting the woman to look after the home/kids/bills as well as sex on tap when he wanted it – an old school mentality, he called it. He thought it was that rather than John wanting to be single. It’s an interesting perspective and one I hadn’t considered but not one I fully agree with.

Mark made the point that I have changed and therefore cannot accept the things that I had done for so many years. John, on the other hand, has not changed. An example being a few weeks prior when we all went to the seaside for our son’s birthday. I had told John that was what I was planning and he was welcome to come. He was in one of his moods at the time and replied, “Do you want me to come?” I just said that was the plan and he could come if he wanted. So, he decided to join us and it was a lovely day. The kids spent most of the time playing in the sea whilst we sat nearby in deckchairs.

When it was time to go John sat with his eyes closed, sunning himself whilst I dried off our son and helped the older girls get dressed without exposing themselves on the beach! John offered no assistance. The kids were finally all dressed and I eventually asked John to help pack the things away – that was the only reason why he got up.

We all had ice cream later and I asked John to get the wipes out of the bag to clean up our son. Both our son and his bag were next to John yet, he took the wipes out of the bag and passed them to me. I refused to take them and said “he’s right next to you!”

I told Mark I don’t want to be John’s parent – I don’t want to have to tell him what to do. We’re supposed to be a team and it’s not something I see changing.

I can’t be everything – do everything and be a wildcat in the sack. And trying to do so means there is zero chemistry – from my side, anyway. I know John wants me – fancies me. He’s said it enough times. But I don’t have that same pull towards him. I don’t see him and think ‘I have to have him’. His touch – yes – that will definitely get me going. But that physical attraction has disappeared over the years.

I have since deleted the number of my admirer (after a couple of conversations) because I am seriously hot for him… He smiles at me and I am weak. I’m 40 years old and have never experienced an attraction like this that literally takes my breath away.

I don’t have this with John. But it makes me appreciate his point of view – that he wants to be desired because that feeling that someone wants you – all of you – leaves you heady and wanting to do anything for that person. It also supports my opinion that I wanted to be more than a sex toy. Sex is great but if that’s all there is – you don’t want to talk, interact, just hang out with me – than it becomes stale, a chore, unimportant.

Back then, I kept thinking it would be a tough conversation but I am grateful to have people like Mark. He listens in the way my brothers do; he is honest with me and doesn’t judge me. He is not likely to ever read this but – thank you Mark for your support. Thank you for being one of those friends who is like family – framily.