Don’t ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn’t fall in love, I rose in it. I saw you and made up my mind.
Toni Morrison – Jazz
I had often dreamed of being rescued – of some man thinking I was worth it all and sweeping me off my feet. In the end, I had to rescue myself.
I read the quote above recently and I thought – that is so true! I’ve been doing this all wrong. We have this notion of falling in love. I will never ‘fall’ in love again – I will rise in it. I will never lose who I am to make someone else feel better about themselves. I will never hide who I am so that someone else doesn’t feel uncomfortable. I bring me – whole, happy, wonderful me. You bring you – whole, happy, wonderful you. Together we will enhance each other’s lives – no one has to fall. We rise together.
I wonder if I’d have read the quote above last year if I’d have moved forwards quicker?
John got sick in 2018. The dreaded c-word – cancer. He has since made a full recovery, but it was around the same time as the diagnosis that I found out he’d once again, made some very poor decisions. And once again, I was the one hurt by those actions. I’m not ready to relay those – we’ll circle back another time.
Anyway, those actions made me tell him it was over. I cried, he said he was sorry. He said he wouldn’t make things difficult and we would transition through this time as smoothly as possible. Over the following weeks he began to act like nothing had happened – like the conversation hadn’t happened. He’d get up to greet me with a hug and a kiss when I walked in the room; he messaged me through the day; he was helpful with the children. It all went to pot when he realised I wasn’t changing my mind and he went back to being his surly, sulky self.
The next few weeks were tense. He was nervous about the future and I was still dealing with the pain of what he’d done. I distanced myself – just enough, I thought, so that he would know I cared but also, that I wasn’t going to continue being his wife.
As we drew closer to his operation date, John told me he felt alone and he would go to his op and future appointments without me because he needed me and I didn’t care. He has always been very good at manipulation and the guilt trip. I agreed to pause for the time being – we would pause talking about splitting up and focus on him as that was what he needed.
I was there when he went for his operation. We sat nervously together whilst the surgeon explained again what would happen; whilst the anaesthetist asked questions; whilst the nurse made sure he signed all the necessary paperwork. I walked with him to the door, he smiled, gave me a thumbs up and I went to work. I thought it would be best – distracting, but I was just checking my phone constantly, waiting for the call from the surgeon. He did call – just like he had said he would – and told me everything had gone well. We wouldn’t know for sure until John had completed further tests, but the surgeon felt confident that he had got it all.
I was so relieved. As bad as our marriage was, as awful as he had treated me, I did not want anything to happen to him.
I made calls to family and then went to the bathroom to cry. I was completely overwhelmed.
This Can't Be Love 