From Failure to Success

I used to be very judgemental of ‘celebrities’ who were married for five minutes then got divorced.

‘If you made a commitment, you should work through it together’ I’d say. Along with ‘marriage is for life.’

I still believe both of those things – even now whilst on the verge of divorce. I believed John was the man I would grow old with. I didn’t envision it not working out.

Divorce was a word that signalled to me failure and so I ran from it. I would stay – no matter how bad it got – no matter how he made me feel. I would stay because I didn’t want to be a statistic; because I didn’t want people looking at me with – pity, embarrassment, shame. I expected I’d be judged by people who didn’t know the full story. I expected John would have told everyone it was all my fault, adding to my shame because I knew I wouldn’t get into the ‘he said, she said’ of it all. But failing – that was the biggest thing.

I would have failed my family who I told this was the man for me.

I would have failed all those people that attended our wedding – so happy for us.

I would have failed God – Who I stood before and promised to love this man.

I would have failed my children who wouldn’t have two parents together.

I would have failed myself because I chose to say ‘yes’ to this man who then treated me like I was nothing.

I can’t say I don’t still feel that sense of failure because I never wanted to be here, at this point. But I know I haven’t let anyone down. My family want me to be happy and will support me always – that will never change. My friends, likewise. His friends? Depends on what he tells them, but I never found his friends to be too interested in knowing me anyway so that’s not a loss.

My faith is hugely important to me and the thought of getting this wrong meant I stayed far longer than I should have. I felt I was going against God’s word and that I had to stay and figure it out. I’ve spent many a day and night praying about this. I went away for a couple of nights on my own for clarity – for peace – and it felt like it was enough – like He knew I had reached my limit now and there was nowhere else to go. I felt as if I had been holding my breath for so long and could finally breathe. There was the peace I had wanted – needed for so long when I finally decided to let go.

Telling our children that Daddy was moving out was heart-breaking. I will never forget the look on their faces, the tears in their eyes. But I have not failed them. I have stayed for them for many years – now I am leaving for them. They deserve to grow up with parents that are happy. They deserve to see that marriage shouldn’t be painful, hurtful, upsetting. It should be love, teamwork, fun, peace. They deserve to have peace and not have to worry that Mummy and Daddy aren’t speaking – again.

I haven’t failed myself. I feel like I failed by staying – by not sharing the full extent of what was going on. By losing myself. Although, that wasn’t failure – I was just broken, lost and felt very alone. I was ashamed and so I didn’t ask for help – didn’t know I could.

But walking away is not failure – it is showing myself the love I deserve. It is standing up for myself and saying I’m worthy of more – worthy of better.

I’m not failing – I’m winning.