Struggling

I don’t know if this makes sense but I am struggling at the moment yet I’m also somehow thriving – is that even possible?

Let me explain.

Thanks to the lockdown, I am the heaviest weight I’ve been in a very long time. Yet, this morning I stepped on the scales and was pleasantly surprised to see a drop of 2lbs (seriously made my day)!

I am working out as a habit now which is not something I really expected. But it’s about my wellbeing, my mental health as well as physical. I see it as something I need to do – I’m forming a new routine. There have been many times when I’ve not wanted to workout but I’m getting a lot better at ignoring that voice and just getting on with it.

I am trying to eat better and getting the children involved with drinking more water.

Home schooling is not without its challenges, especially when my children have such different ages but I feel more on top of it now and am managing the time a lot better.

Mentally and physically – thriving.

Emotionally – not so much.

We live in a small flat. John had been sleeping on the sofa since he’d been back but had recently asked if he could sleep in the bed with me again. I reluctantly agreed and have felt disappointed in myself ever since. I made it clear nothing had changed – this was not a reconciliation. But I can’t get past the guilt of him sleeping on the sofa which, I know, sounds ridiculous. After everything that has happened, I still bend to his emotional compass – if he’s down then I try to make him happy, even if that’s at the expense of my own happiness.

He had begun to encroach on my space – trying to spoon, cuddling. I didn’t have the heart to tell him to move. Instead, I would turn over abruptly or lay in an awkward position so he’d have to move. Last night, I told him I didn’t want to be touched. That resulted in him wanting to talk and talk to the point where I had to tell him to stop talking and we’d revisit it tomorrow.

Before he finally stopped though, he threw in one last request – give him a month. A month where I ‘try’ – a month where I ‘make an effort’. Then at the end of the month we’ll see how we both feel. There was silence for a really long time and I eventually said ‘fine’ – I would ‘try’. But inside I was screaming – try?? I’ve been made to feel like crap for how many years but now it’s down to me to ‘try’?? I don’t want to try – there is nothing to try for!

I spoke to a friend of a friend at the weekend who has recently divorced. She said she wasn’t going to ask me if I wanted to get divorced as it’s not something that anyone wants. She asked ‘do you need to get divorced? For your own mental/emotional health and wellbeing?’ The answer is a definite ‘yes’. I will always care for John. He was my first everything in terms of romantic relationships; he is the father of my children. But I do not trust him – not at all. And I always feel somewhat manipulated by him. For example, this morning he told me that I don’t understand how hard this all is for him; that cuddling up to me was both frustrating and a source of comfort. He said he is no longer looking at porn (something I know to be a lie) and that touching me (cuddling) is the only way of easing his frustration. It is not up to me to ‘save’ him and yet I feel that pull to ease his hurt. But in doing so, I would cause myself pain as it’s not what I want.

The only way I see this destructive cycle ending is when we are no longer living together, and the divorce process has begun. It is horrible and difficult and scary and, in all honesty, ‘scary’ is the reason why I give in. ‘Scary’ is the reason I agreed to ‘try’ even though I don’t want to. I guess it’s not so much John manipulating me as my own fear – fear of the unknown, of a more difficult life financially and I guess – fear of not being wanted by anyone else. Is that silly? I’m not doing this as a ‘grass is greener’ exercise after all but I’m 41 years old – I don’t want to be single forever.

Hmmm… I just had the realisation that I am no better than John in this instance as I am not being honest with him about what I want and how I feel. But in these times where we are forced to be together even though we are not together – I think it is better to say nothing and keep relative peace whilst praying this lockdown ends sooner rather than later…

Do you think I’m wrong? Any advice would be gratefully received.