CONFUSED.COM

So, around July last year, an interesting thing happened – John and I had a deep and meaningful conversation which ended positively.

I am as shocked as anyone.

I had spent the week being pretty pissed off with him – he hadn’t spoken to or seen the children for the whole week. I sent him a text on the Thursday as that was the day he had said he’d pick them up.

               ME:        Hi, just checking you’re picking the children up this evening?

               JOHN:    No, not today.

               ME:        Why?    

               JOHN:    Because I have not been in a good place this week

ME:        And you can’t put on a front for a couple of hours for them? You haven’t spoken to them the whole week.

JOHN:    I put up a front every single day when I wake up and pretend I’m alright. Just one more front too many today.

Needless to say, I didn’t respond.

I have been angry at the way he has handled things regarding our children as I don’t feel he’s gone out of his way to reassure them that things would be ok. There has been a lot of ‘woe is me’ and, whilst I do feel for him financially, this is a bed of his own making.

That Friday, I had an appointment with a solicitor – I wanted to know where I stood. I wanted to make things clearer for myself. It helped in the sense that I now know what I’m entitled to but more in the sense that I do not want this to get ugly in any way, shape or form. Above all, I want things to be fair – I’m not trying to take advantage of John or have either of us struggling to live. But his behaviour was making it harder to maintain that attitude.

Again, nothing from John.

That Saturday, the children did not ask about their dad. Instead, we made plans and all went to the cinema to watch Toy Story 4 – it was my son’s first trip to the cinema and he loved it! We rounded it off with MacDonald’s for lunch and headed home – a good day.

Still nothing from John.

On Sunday, we went to church. Just as we arrived at my Mum’s, I had a message from John:

               JOHN:    Good morning. What time are you back from church?

               ME:        I don’t know. Why?

               JOHN:    Wanted to take kids to the library

               ME:        What time

               JOHN:    Say 2pm

               ME:        Fine

When we got back, John was already inside. Our son had fallen asleep in the car but it was still an hour before he said he would take them out, so I left him to sleep.

They eventually left and didn’t get back until late, but it was the school holidays so I wasn’t too bothered.

As the children sat and watched tv, John beckoned me out into the hallway. He told me he was sorry he’d not been in touch this week – it had been a tough week. He then said he wanted to work things out.

I sighed.

In my head, I had already decided it was over – I’d already decided that we needed to have the hard conversation about making the split permanent. I did not want to ‘work things out’.

I told him I didn’t feel there was any point. I had changed and it didn’t matter to me if he deemed me worthy anymore because I know I am – I know I’m enough. And I wasn’t prepared to go back to feeling less than again.

He sat on the bed and his usual hard exterior re-surfaced:

“What are we doing about this place then? Because I can’t afford to pay for here and somewhere to live!”

He then stopped, caught himself and said:

“Besides that, what I really wanted to say was I’m sorry – I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you and all the pain. I’m sorry for the way I’ve made you feel. I realise that this is all my fault.”

It’s not all his fault, of course and when he held out his hand to me, I took it. We sat for a little while in silence. Then we talked – all evening in fact – whilst the children were watching their programme and long after they were all put to bed. It was… nice.

He made a comment that if he’d have made the effort to do more of this (holding hands, talking, listening) then he would have got more sex, more affection. I agreed – of course he would have because I would have felt seen – I would have been a whole person to him rather than just his toy.

He reiterated that he wanted to try again. I didn’t know what to say. He suggested we spend the next month making sure to communicate every day and see how we feel at the end of it. I agreed.

As nice as the evening had been, once he’d left all I felt was confused.