STRONGER

Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.

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I thought I’d better come back to where I am now as the posts have been a bit – well, dark. I am writing this with the intention of helping someone after all, so I need to tell you that I am doing really well now.

When I asked John to leave, he was not happy. I will explain later the final straw that broke the camel’s back, but for now – what you need to know is that I reached my limit and I didn’t believe John was capable of change.

I was heartbroken at having to tell our children and so where they. John sat there in silence and offered no reassurance whatsoever.

After he left, I spent many a night crying over how crappy the whole situation was. I felt alone and lost but I knew I was better off. I knew that being on my own and bringing up three children on my own was better than the pretence, the tension, the resentment and mistrust. It was better that we were apart than my children living in a home with two parents that were unhappy and angry and hurt.

When it was obvious that John was doing nothing to make changes, I made a decision. I would have to change myself. I’d already made a major change in that I hadn’t accepted his apology this time – I hadn’t excepted his speech of how much he loved me and it would never happen again. I told him to go. I told him I needed time away from him. He pleaded with me – actually begged me to change my mind early one Saturday morning and I told him ‘no’. He was furious, stomping around for the rest of the day.

I had to do some work on me. I had to build myself up again. So, I began to listen to motivational speeches, preachers giving messages that reached my heart – but I didn’t just listen. I started to do things differently. I began to speak to myself as if I was worthy of love. Now, my body is not in the best shape and I regularly beat myself up about it. But that has stopped. I am enough, right now. And I will still be enough when I hit my goals.

Last summer, some months after John had left, I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I was happy. Happy within myself; happy with how I looked. John had cajoled me into relaxing my hair all those years ago telling me how much better it would look. I was 25 years old and I did it – for him. I kept doing it for about 12 years – mostly because I’d gotten used to it – and it was nice to have a couple of hours to myself getting my hair done with a woman who became a very good friend.

I decided to go back to my natural hair when I was pregnant with my third and final baby – my son. I asked John how he’d feel about it – the whole idea of that makes me cringe now. I did not need his permission, but I was asking him anyway. He said he didn’t care which surprised me. Would I have not done it if he’d had an issue with it? I really don’t know. I just knew I couldn’t instil in my girls to be proud of their beautiful, afro hair if I was straightening my own to death every 6-8 weeks.

So now, my hair is back to its natural state – my amazing afro crown – and I had my hair out that day I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked great. I felt great. I believed anything was possible and still do.

It’s not to say that it hasn’t been difficult. No break in the dropping off and picking up of the children; no break in putting them to bed. But I was doing the majority of things anyway, so it isn’t that different. The children and I had got into a routine and it was getting better day by day.

John texted me around that time asking if the children missed him. I said I didn’t know – I hadn’t asked. I regularly ask them how they’re feeling about things and in the beginning, my second daughter would often say she missed him but she hadn’t said it for a while at that time. In fact, John hadn’t spoken to them for that entire week and the children hadn’t been bothered. It’s sad but it goes to show how little he was involved when we were all living together.

So, what am I doing differently? I’m writing again regularly thanks to this blog. I’m exercising at least twice a week which I know doesn’t sound like much and sometimes it’s a lot more than that – but twice a week is a huge step up from no times a week (as a side note, that was last year – I’m currently working out almost everyday to keep my sanity during the lockdown!).

I got myself a gratitude journal which encourages me to look at all that I have rather than what I don’t. I bought two books on budgeting and have made big changes in my finances – this is necessary as I don’t know what’s going to happen when John and I finally have that conversation.

The biggest thing is I went to the doctor about my ‘mum pouch’. I’d been looking at things on the internet for so long – as in, the best part of a year. I suspected it was an umbilical hernia as I look pregnant even though I’m not (even had two guys on two separate occasions give me their seats on the tube so it’s not all in my mind…!). So, I finally went to my doctor about it and I had my appointment at the hospital this week after months of waiting. The consultant said it was more likely to be divarication of the muscles, in which case he’d need to refer me to a plastic surgeon – effectively a ‘tummy tuck’! I’m not sure how I feel about that… It seems a bit like a vanity project, but I really don’t want to look pregnant forever. The joke of it is, if I have the surgery, I’m likely to look pregnant for at least 6 months because of the swelling! I really don’t know what to do at the moment, but I have time – I need a scan and then the referral so no doubt that will take several more months which is fine with me!

In the meantime, I’ll keep exercising, eating as well as I can and loving me – ‘mum-pouch’ and all.