New Beginnings

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”

Robin Williams in World’s Greatest Dad

I have been married for fourteen years. I have three children – 12yrs, 9yrs and 3yrs old. I have a step-daughter who is 22 years old and rarely see.

I have a husband who has spent almost fourteen years making me feel small, unloved, unadventurous, boring, uninteresting and good for nothing other than sex.

Last year, I finally had the courage to tell him to go. A few months after that, I started to realise I am more than the way he made me feel. It took a few months but finally, I started to garner some self-worth.

Now? Now I am bolder, braver, stronger. I realised I hadn’t missed him. Sure, I have missed being able to text someone to say ‘can you pick up some milk’ when I’ve forgotten. I’ve missed having a lie in on a Saturday because he would get up with the kids. But I haven’t missed him. I haven’t missed being in his arms. I haven’t missed talking to him. I haven’t missed him stomping around because I was too tired for sex the night before – although, I have missed sex which would surprise him no end as he told me on numerous occasions that I didn’t like it… The truth was I just didn’t like him a lot of the time… But I digress. I haven’t missed the sulking and the silence of him not speaking to me because of one reason or another. I haven’t missed the feeling of not being enough.

I am enough.

And in realising I am enough, I’ve also realised that I am worthy of love – actual love that builds you up not breaks you down. I’ve realised that I don’t have to accept this, and I don’t have to stay because I’m scared of the future. Maybe no one else will be interested in me but this is not about finding greener grass. This is about me discovering I am deserving of more and choosing not to accept less than my value.

So, now I’m at the beginning. Now I’m starting again. Something I would never – could never imagine when I stood there in front of all those people saying my vows. I have been broken but I am no longer there. I have begun to rebuild, one brick at a time.

I understand the days ahead are anyone’s guess, but I am confident that it will be ok.

We will all be ok.